Step One

I am a failure.

Ouch. These words hurt. And yet, I'm the one saying them. I've been saying them a lot recently. Mostly to my husband and inside my own head. Of course, he says, "you're not a failure," which I greatly appreciate. The problem is I'm saying something vague to express a real feeling. 

Why do I feel like a failure? Because I feel like I'm back at step one in a number of areas in my life. Next fall, both my children will start a new school. I recently changed jobs and the skills required aren't the skills I have been using. People I relied on have moved away, or relationships changed, and I'm realizing I don't have the same community I used to. I do not want to be here. I regret the decisions that led me here.

A few years ago I texted a dear friend during a difficult time about the feelings I was having. She's a friend through Al-Anon so she replied "You're back at step one." I'm reminded of that. In the 12 steps, step one is "Admitted I was powerless over ____--that my life had become unmanageable." And people go back there many times. I'm there. I'm powerless of my feelings of success. My life is feeling unmanageable.

Step two is "Came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity." The problem for me is that I'm struggling with a power greater than myself right now. I wonder what greater power would allow the wars in the world, the casual cruelty, the abuses of power. The answers are not clear. I just know I can't do this alone.