Sunday, December 29, 2019

New Year, New Resolutions

I see it was a couple months ago I pledged to update this blog more. I've been writing a post in my head recently, and I'm hoping I can capture it to some degree. I've been thinking about this journey (to quote the Bachelor), and I'm still not sure where it's going. Over the last couple of years, I've had a lot of guilt about not being the "typical" software engineer. Even if I compare myself to other career changers, I feel like my path has been different. I'm not sure I know enough typical Computer Science concepts to pass some coding tests (even though I have passed the coding test for a Senior Software Engineer role), but when I set out to learn it, I never get far. It's because I struggle to learn when the only goal is to feel better about myself. If I'm coming from a place of insecurity, I don't stay motivated.
I wrote that over a month ago and I'm just now posting it.
I'm currently in a time of reset, as we've passed the winter solstice and the year draws to a close. I've had a few dreams die in the last year, and my own idea of myself is changing. In the meantime, I've embraced the fact that raising my children will take up a lot of my attention right now. I've also realized that my children are not my biggest barrier to what I want to accomplish in writing, coding, career, and creativity. The bigger "blocker" is me, and not knowing what I want. There's work worth doing, to slow climate change, to protect the rights of those less powerful, to try to impact politics, but I struggle to know where my work would be most, or at all, impactful. I feel like I've been flailing about, investing my energy too broadly to be useful, and in the meantime, shying away from anywhere that makes me too vulnerable, too seen. I'm not sure how I can change that, but my resolution for the upcoming year is to be more focused, and goal-oriented, in areas which matter not just to me, but to the world at large.

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Inspiration to write more

A coworker mentioned the term "Radical Vulnerability" and a quick Google search led me to an article by Alaina Leary on practicing Radical Vulnerability in online spaces (link). It talks about the importance of boundaries and safe spaces. This blog is only safe because I rarely share it.  However, if I come up with my boundaries for posts here, perhaps I could start writing more and sharing it.

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Two years

Welp, I never made it past my "Placeholder Post" two years ago. In the past two years, I've begun managing my team, had my son go from baby to toddler, and was pleasantly surprised by my daughter. (To be clear, I knew I was pregnant, but I had not expected to be pregnant and I did not learn her sex before her birth.)
It's been a lot of change, and yet it's also been two of the most stable years of my life. I've been living in the same place, working at the same organization, and on the same team. I've been a bit of a career vagabond (job hopper is how I'd describe it when I'm being less generous to myself) so I've both valued and struggled with that stability. Especially given the state of US politics and world events (especially the climate crisis), I've wondered if I'm having the best impact I could. I haven't found any conclusions to those struggles, but I've come to realize I'm far from alone in them. The best part about my current role has been getting to know my teammates and learning how common it is to struggle with uncertainty about my own contributions.
I'm posting this without much conclusion, just to practice at putting it out there. I will be trying to post again shortly. I'm off to Prague with the baby next week for leadership training so I'll have a lot of time for reflection. (Okay, that may be overly optimistic).