I just wanted to write a quick post because I did not have a great day at work. The only good thing was that I was more aware than I used to be of some of my more negative coping mechanisms. Basically, my debugging tools are no longer working locally and I'm trying everything that worked for everyone else to get them working and as of now, they STILL don't work. It made me feel pretty useless. I'm currently transitioning from management back to an individual contributor/software engineer role, and it feels really vulnerable. I'm afraid of not being productive or supporting my team adequately in this role. Today triggered all of my "not good enough" shame and I can't say I fully pulled myself out, which triggered another round of shame. What's funny about shame narratives is how quickly they wipe out everything I've ever achieved. It's so tempting to find someone to blame for how I feel (which I guess could be JetBrains) but trying to stay away from that also feels scary.
Anyways, time for lots of self-compassion and baby laughs tonight. I wish I had a nice, twee ending to this story, but hopefully I learned something about both debugging and myself today.