Why am I afraid to promote my blog?

I can clearly remember being six years old and sitting in my elementary school bathroom thinking. I can see the concrete wall next to me and the metal stall divider on the other side, and hear the sound of the strange water faucet that sprayed in every direction. I was contemplating a question that recurred to me throughout my childhood and terrified me. It went something like this: What if everything people tell me is good about myself isn't really something in me, maybe it's just a combination of traits I inherited from my parents, good luck, and the conditions I was born into? At least, that is the thought I had as translated by my 27-year-old brain.
This memory flashed back into my mind while I've been reading Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. She writes specifically about how women are more likely to think of their successes as due to luck or circumstance, while they often attribute failures to their innate flaws. She notes that men, meanwhile, often do the reverse. I've never been a man, so I can't comment on that, but I do know that I am well acquainted with what Sandberg calls the "imposter syndrome."
All throughout graduate school and my first job, my boyfriend was baffled by what he referred to as my insecurity. Before turning in every paper, before every test, and during every evaluation, the one common thread was my low self-evaluation, and panic over the failure I foresaw for myself.  In school, the closest I ever came to failure was a "C" on a test that I managed to turn into an "A" for the overall course. In life, the grades are less clear, which has made it harder.
I also feel frustrated by the mischaracterization (Blogger claims this is not a word--thoughts?) of the book's intent. My boyfriend sent me this article, which is well-written, but I do not get a feeling that the author actually read the book. The author first suggests that Sheryl Sandberg never refers to the supportive role of men in politics or at home, that she suggests women should be "emulating the egomania of the corporate male", and that she doesn't understand the struggles that most women face just to survive. Sandberg herself clarifies early and often in the book so far that this is exactly not what she is saying. Instead, the book uses simple and clear examples of how women could change the dynamic she sees in the workplace that often leaves women behind. (The diatribe against this article I have started has been edited.) I relate to Sandberg, and the women in her book, and as I read, I find myself encouraged, not to have to end up as COO of Facebook or to contrive my own "capitalist fantasy," but to feel confident in pursuing a life of personal and professional fulfillment, with a recognition of the societal barriers that I will have to face.
This comes full circle to my career, and this blog post. As a social worker, I have always been self-doubting and cautious. It took me two years of field placements and six months at my job until I felt comfortable identifying as a social worker. As a computer programmer, I feel like a complete fraud. I am always afraid of "real" computer programmers finding out about my ambitions, because I know I do not know what I am talking about. As a blogger, I wonder who could possibly want to read what I have written. And yet, I have already achieved more success than I could have imagined when I started this. I have been quoted, and in a sermon no less. I want to thank Rev. Dr. Mary Louise McCullough for this honor, and yet, even reading this fills me with an anxiety as I think that nothing else I write can possibly interest my readers. However, based on the advice given to me by a new colleague recently, I will celebrate this success, and enjoy it. I will lean in and promote my blog (as in, post it on Facebook--terrifying!).

A wedding, a girl scientist, and the rambling thoughts that along with them

I was in my brother's wedding this past weekend, which was one of the more meaningful experiences in my life. It was hard to watch my sibling do something so grown up, when I still feel so young myself. I am really proud of where my brother is in his life, and how my family has turned out. I'm not sure why this has been, but it feels like the last few years have brought a lot of healing. I wish it was my social worker prowess exerting itself, but I think that instead we have just been fortunate and had some happy accidents along the way. I credit the relationships both Dan and myself have formed as being a big part of that change, and am so grateful for how our family has expanded. Maybe I can develop a computer program that will fix families..(and solve world hunger, obviously).
Over the weekend, I found myself explaining my plans a lot, and to my surprise, everyone was both supportive and happy for me. I guess the hardest part of justifying this is actually convincing myself. Or I just have a great family.
Anyways, that's a long explanation for why I've been busy this past week, as I know my faithful readers (i.e. my dad) were just dying for another post.
I also wanted to plug an awesome project being done by a girl I met at a RailsGirls Meetup. They're trying to raise money by July to create short cartoons about a girl scientist. It is totally true that young women, especially women of color, need to be able to see themselves as mathematicians and scientists from an early age. I know that for me, I never realized the opportunities out there, and no one seemed to realize that I needed pushing in that direction. So, watch the video below, and check out the Indiegogo campaign if you're interested.

Meetup groups, Father's Day, and Superman

Yesterday I attended the third meeting of the group I started on Meetup for learning Ruby. I am really enjoying watching the group form and change, and I keep being struck with what a great idea Meetup is. When I first arrived at the library meeting room I had reserved (did you know you could do this for free at any DC Public Library? Just go here.), I was sitting there alone for the first 15 minutes. I felt a little embarrassed, and had to keep reminding myself that someone would show up, and also that no one cared if I was there all alone. Slowly people trickled in, and we wound up with five people, of whom I was the only girl.
It was nice that a couple were familiar faces, and I met new people too. I like hearing everyone's stories, though I have to admit, I feel shy about telling working developers about my plans to go to a bootcamp. So many developers are self-taught that I feel like a fraud going off to a camp. However, I know that this fits my learning style better and I am grateful that I have the resources and time to do this. Plus, I seem to be the only person judging myself for this, as most people ask me for more information about it to give to someone else in their life who wants to be a developer.
Anyways, we decided on a format to follow for the meetings, in which we would read books together and then discuss them each week. I made a conscious decision to let go of control of the group, because it's not about me, but about learning Ruby. I even allowed others to be organizers on Meetup! I think this is something being a social worker has taught me: how to let go of control of my creations and visions. I highly recommend starting or joining a Meetup group to anyone looking to enter a new field or community. All the Meetups I have attended have been very useful to me.
My biggest problem has become over-committing myself to events--I was supposed to go to one today but was too exhausted after running around all day yesterday. Instead I read old Superman comics on my computer and marveled at how I could access them with a short torrent download, when my dad (it's Father's Day after all) would have had to wait each week for a new one to be published then read each in a paper copy. I love technology. Happy Father's Day!

After writing this, I thought I should also relate a short anecdote from this meeting. While we were all talking, a man walked into the room. His tone was confrontational and my mental health instincts were on edge. He started asking about our group in a strange way, and it became clear he was drunk. I chose not to engage, because I didn't want to play social worker in my personal life and left it up to the others to handle it. One of the other members diverted him by pretending we had another meeting the next Sunday. The man told us the library wasn't open on Sundays and left the room, only to come back saying the fronk desk worker had confirmed this! The group member talking to him just reiterated that we were meeting next Sunday. He asked this man if he had a computer and the man replied "No, but I have a guitar...it's basically the same skill, right?"

Self Definition (a post written while falling asleep)

A wise self-conscious and awkward 17-year-old Maggie once said "If you define yourself too much, there's no way you can ever really change." Surprisingly, these words have been like a guiding light throughout my life, and if anything has defined me as an adult, it might be a lack of self-definition. That has allowed me a lot of flexibility in my career and life choices, but at times it has also left me feeling lost and ungrounded.
I thought of this tonight as I introduced myself at the RailsGirlsDC Meetup. I wasn't sure what to say about myself since I still feel like an imposter in the tech field (although after talking to others there last night I think there's a lot of people like me out there, and we all feel that way). More importantly though, I'm not sure I know what I'm doing yet or how to explain it. I am jumping into something without trying to define who I am becoming. As a social worker, I think I let that role define me too much, expecting that one day I would wake up as this awesome super social worker, who always knew the right thing to say and saved lives just by breathing. This time, I'm taking away those expectations of myself. I know there's a long road to become a great programmer, and that it is a destination that I will never fully reach, and I am much more comfortable with that than I was as a social worker.
Speaking of roles we play, I told a client and her caretakers today that I was leaving my position, and they reacted with more emotion than I expected. The woman I worked with most told me that she had come to see me as family and that my client had never had a more attentive case manager. I had to work very hard not to cry at that moment, since I had always felt like I was failing this client and her caretakers. I believed I had played the role of negligent social worker but they saw me as quite the opposite. In a way this goes back to where I started. When you define yourself, you often miss a lot of the picture. You never know how others are defining you, and if your definition is too rigid it is hard to hear how other people truly see you, or take steps to make changes in your life. I could say a lot on this topic so I may continue it in the future.
(But now I define myself as delirious with drowsiness so I will end this!)

You've been social worked!

Over the weekend I spent time learning how to build this:

"You've been social worked!"

In HTML, except I was trying to get the text on the image (it worked in other settings, just not in Blogger!). Then I got GIMP and just wrote the text on, except it won't save in a format recognizable as an image. (I'm sure there's a very easy way to do that, but I only had a little time after getting home and before dinner.) It was a fair amount of work for a simple output, but I enjoyed it.
My friend, Sara, and I came up with "You've been social worked!" as a saying. I think most of us social workers wish we could say it sometimes, rather than more commonly not really getting to see the effects of the work we do. I understand why we never hear someone say "It worked! I have been social worked indeed." It's very painful to tell someone how much they've helped, and honestly, for me at least, painful to hear someone tell you that you've helped them. That may seem strange but it's true.
When I left Polaris Project, we had a big lunch for the fellows to say goodbye to the clients. It was a moving experience but part way through it was too much. Many of the clients had cried. They brought gifts to us, that I felt very uncomfortable accepting, but would have felt even less comfortable returning to them. When they told me how much I had meant to them, I wanted to either say "I really didn't do anything" or burst out in tears. Neither was appropriate, but I'm not sure I handled it any better. I said thank you, but I doubt was very gracious. The relationships we build with our clients are so unique but yet strange that they can't really be summed up in one ceremonial goodbye or sentence or card. 
However, as I begin termination at my current job, I can't help wishing I could wrap it all up by striking a pose and saying: "You've been social worked!"

Contemplating Recovery

I have four weeks left at my job, and seven weeks until I start Coding Dojo bootcamp. After working as a social worker for three years, it's hard for me to imagine a work environment where I do not talk to people all day. It has sounded like heaven many times in the past few years, but I also worry I will get bored and restless. Of course I have many questions about this decision. Will it make me happy? Will I miss social work? Will I find meaning in my work?
However, I am trying to remember what I have learned over the past few years: there is no shortcut to meaning and happiness. I am doing this because I want to find more balance in my life and because I enjoy coding. After years of pushing myself along in a career and trying to make it fit, this one feels like it will. That doesn't mean that any developer job will do. I will still have to look for the right work environment, preferably at a company that shares my values. This may also be a time for me to consider what my values are.
The more basic and practical questions, of course, come first. Will I learn what I need to learn in this program? Will I be good at this? Unfortunately those are hard to answer before starting out. I have done plenty of research on Coding Dojo, and everything I've read makes me feel like I will learn a lot. I want to learn how to take my very basic algorithms and turn them into real programs that can be run on the web or other devices. I already built a short and basic CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) program in Ruby, although I don't want to always be building counseling applications. I've been a social worker for so long it will take me some time to learn how to develop the rest of myself.

Making the decision

Three years ago, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted for my career. I was gearing up to get my Master's in Social Work, and believed I would go out and therapize the world into happiness. It took me three years to admit I was wrong. Throughout graduate school I had doubts, but thought it was my usual wanderlust so I pushed on.
Then I graduated, with a job offer in hand. I took my licensing exam two weeks after my last class, and two weeks after that I started my job at a community mental health agency. The first day, I sat down across from a woman who told me that she wanted was to quit crack cocaine but couldn't talk about it because of "the pain." It was the moment I had dreamed about before setting out to graduate school, and I didn't handle it too poorly. Over the next few months, I had many such moments. But I wasn't happy. I came home every night cranky and tired.
After a year at that job, I took two weeks to give myself a break from my constant doubting and trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life. That's when I started teaching myself coding. I found that it gave me energy in a way that social work never had. It felt like I was doing math problems again. I started dreaming of a career in computer programming and researching how to accomplish that. I found various coding bootcamps, but I kept getting drawn back to Coding Dojo. One evening I came home from work and called them with my questions. The guy who answered the phone was very helpful and suggested I apply. Within a day I had an interview scheduled. By the following Monday, I had been accepted and had to decide if I would attend. After a lot of internal back and forth, I went with my gut and accepted. After that, the pieces began falling into place, where I found a place to stay, I realized it wouldn't be nearly such a financial stretch, and I had the support of my boyfriend, and all my friends and family. Now, all that remains is finishing my job and leaving.