Leaving DC, and out of sync videos in PhotoBooth

I am finally flying to the West coast! After a two hour delay, which left me pretty frustrated. I found myself getting anxious since it’s pretty clear we will miss our connection. However, I stopped myself to do a mental check list that went like this: “Will anyone die? Will you die? Is there anything you can do?” To which I answered: “Probably not”, “probably not”, “scream at the flight attendants? Oh wait, that’s just like when clients screamed at me over things completely out of my control.” For the record, I never scream at anyone, but I understand the temptation, as it is the only control you have in some situations. I wonder if that’s the purpose of flight attendants (and social workers for that matter)—to be the person people blame.
I’ve been working on my prep work for the past week. I was doing a Javascript tutorial through Codeacademy. I like Codeacademy for the constant positive reinforcement (we get a “Way to go!” message after every exercise), but it can get tedious, especially when it begins to feel like they are condescending to you by spelling out everything I should type step by step. Of course, then, if they stop doing that, I get angrier (why wouldn’t they tell me exactly what to type?). However, after I saw a job posting for a position where I would be helping nonprofits with CiviCRM and PHP, I found myself more energized to get through the class, so that I could go on to the PHP tutorial. Then I returned to some of my old Ruby problems and found that all that training had really helped me understand the fundamentals better. Okay, Codeacademy, you win.
This morning I spent a few hours recording an introductory video for my program. The few hours involved my recording about five practice videos (the first few of which, were me speaking for one minute, and then cutting myself off abruptly when I decided I hated it). I had a full video recorded, only to learn that the video and sound weren’t syncing up! I troubleshooted (troubleshot?) using this  Youtube video, and it worked! For the time it took me to record one “test” video, and then by the time I had recorded another video, the audio and video was off again. For anyone else encountering a similar problem in PhotoBooth, what worked for me was to record the video in iMovie instead. Then I posted my first YouTube video! I know, clearly I’m still living in 2004. (I actually don’t know when YouTube came out, but I do know that I learned about it from my grandmother, who described to me “a website where people put videos of themselves.” I recently heard a similar description of Vine as “an app where people record themselves brushing their teeth.”)
This is the view from my plane:

Whenever I get where I’m headed, at least there’s some nice scenery along the way.
By the time this is posted—I will have arrived somewhere.
Update: We are in Portland at last, after agreeing to fly to Seattle then renting a car and driving down. I am delirious with lack of sleep, but happy to be on the West coast at last.

My career shame

I love Brené Brown. I spent this morning listening to these two talks:
However, no matter how many times I watch her videos, I still don’t feel like I’ve truly internalized the message. Shame always trips me up. Last week I finished my job. This week I’ve been exhausted. It occurs to me that now, I have returned to a state I was trying to protect myself against. The shame of unemployment, or more accurately, of not having a salary. I spent the first four years of my life after college without a stable salary. This past year was the first time I had a salary and full benefits. It felt just as validating as I had always hoped it was. It removed a large source of anxiety from my life, both monetary and personal. However, as this blog mentions, I was not as happy as I had always thought I would be. Instead I was constantly drained, grouchy, and cried a lot. I considered quitting long before I did, but I knew I had to prove something to myself. I had to prove I could stick it out. I had to prove I could stick with something.
I don’t think many conversations about careers include the word shame, but they should. I always thought it was just me, but then isn’t that how shame operates? It keeps you from opening up to others or connecting through the messages of “You’re the only one who feels this way; no one else would understand; there’s something wrong with just you so don’t tell anyone; etc.” Even when I would hear my own fears echoed back by someone else, I would dismiss this as “it’s different for them, they had #{x} (where x is whatever job they had—my Ruby training says this looks better) job or internship before this so they don’t have to worry about finding a job like I do.” Then, the worse lie: “if I just get straight As, if I just do everything perfectly, if I never fail, then I won’t ever have to worry about this again.” So, I cried over every A minus, had a nervous breakdown over the one C I got, had anxiety attacks at my field placements, and annoyed my boyfriend at every turn, because I wouldn’t let him understand. Then, miracle of miracles, I got a job! I was not as happy as I thought, because I accepted the job, not from a place of worthiness but from a place of fear and insecurity. I assumed (wrongly, as it turns out) that they hired me because they would have hired anyone. I agreed to start earlier than I wanted to because I was so afraid of losing what I believed to be my one opportunity for gainful employment. I spent the year always looking over my shoulder, waiting for someone to tell me that I wasn’t good enough, and they don’t know how I managed to get hired. And despite knowing it wasn’t a good fit, I was scared to admit it out loud, for fear I would lose that which I had worked so hard to get.
Now, I’ve admitted it. I’ve left. And I am daily combating the fear that I will never get that again, and that I will never be a good enough programmer, and that I will fail again.

My last day

I am sitting on a Bolt Bus headed for New York. I have finished my last day at my agency. They've already changed my voicemail password! (Yes, I still tried to check my voicemail.) Earlier today, one of my clients cried when she realized it was my last day. We talked about her recent relapse, and people who had recently come into her life unexpectedly. I told her with a confidence I never could have had a year ago that I believed she was on a journey of healing, and that each set back was just a step along the way. I felt close to tears myself afterwards. I hope the same is true for me. Now I am working on a JavaScript tutorial for my bootcamp, which is fun, but far removed from the stories I've heard over the past three years. I hope I can find ways to touch lives as a programmer, even if I do not want to be "in the trenches" (as my supervisor referred to our job) anymore. My last week this quote was up on my board:

And so, I must remind myself, I have a non-specific, possibly-not-realistic dream of one day being a social worker programmer.
Speaking of which, I did already create a Ruby-based program for ABC thinking! It actually did cheer me up when I was at home sick one day, feeling bad for watching too much tv and eating too much junk food. I am trying to publish it to GitHub. I had figured out how to do that before, and now I can't remember! I thought I had an application, but it seems to have disappeared. Hopefully this forgetting won't be a trend, but I think it will all get easier when it is what I am doing all day long. Too much of my head has been taken up by client's phone numbers, birthdays, diagnoses, children's names, etc. I am excited to be making room up there for something new.

I love JavaScript buttons!

Are you having an awesome 4th of July?